Week 6
A cool rainy misty morning. It is still dark as the clock inches to seven. I don’t want to be in this place of anticipating something that could still be weeks away. Winter.
The darkness fills into the emptiness I feel right now. No more sports to fill my days and nights that always led me to feel I just couldn’t get anything else done.
No more parent/team meetings I always seem to forget. Always racing to get there before it started.
No more homework to push. No more feeling anxiety when checking into the students grades on-line.
None of this is mine anymore. No more with my life being my children’s lives.
How do I embrace this where I am? Hold it and remember with gratitude rather than fear?
In this moment I will let it be what it is and know a new day is around the corner where I will find there myself waiting.
Week 7
I smelled autumn today, as the wind chime mingled outside my open window. It immediately brought me back to buying Halloween costumes. At least thinking about buying Halloween costumes. Always hoping to get a new one. Not a repeat from another year gone by. The dreams were infinite. Power Rangers. Star Wars. Princess. Nothing evil of course.
“What to be” came the question every year. Not for me, but for my trick or treaters whom I adore. This memory made me smile.
Now I ask “what to be” for me and I smile again.
Week 8
Time went quickly these past few days. The weather is erratic. One day glorious, the next looming with threats of winter. We hold our breathes for just one more day to not wear jackets that seem to drown our souls.
I am not sure what I hear in myself. Yesterday I looked at my place at the kitchen island where we ate our meals. Every day, all six of us. The chatter, the moods, the laughter. I wish I could be immersed in that again.
We are four right now. The boys are home on college break. I hope they are happy they are home. I think they like it best when it is 6. Not just the parents. It must be hard to becoming someone else and the ones left behind struggling to understand you or wanting the old you back again. I feel sad for both myself and for them.
I want them to be happy to be home.
I had a dream last night that I actually remember. I almost never remember. I was with many people. People familiar but not necessarily do I recognize them. I was comfortable in the setting. I had a small child, a girl with me and suddenly I realized I could not see her or find her. I went looking. There were fields, trees, an apartment building, a church, and all the while people milling about. I was looking for the little girl. Not urgently but wondering. I assumed I would find her contentedly playing with something, perhaps with a doll house. In my search, I would visit with those around me. One man asked how my preparations were going for his father’s funeral. I had completely forgot about the funeral.
Finally, I was almost to the child, I could feel her presence. It was then I woke up with the tune “God will take care of You” in my heart and in my head.
Could I be looking for myself? Poet and author, Joyce Rupp tells that in our middle years we are coming back to who we have always been. The girl who played dress up with the neighborhood friends and climbed trees without fear.
It was normal in our life’s journey to leave this child, the spirit of that child behind as we take on new identities along the way. Rupp tells as we come to our middle years, we shed those identities that aren’t so comfortable anymore and welcome back the child who reminds us of the trees yet to climb.
It almost comes back to the question I have for my boys. I want to be happy I am home.
Week 9 Week of Halloween
The air is a brisk 32 Fahrenheit. Trees letting go of the leaves still clinging to the branches…..As I am trying to do every day. What would you have me do, God? What would you have me be? Turning it over…
It has been very melancholy for me. Feeling tearful. Missing the busyness this season used to be for me. Costumes, candy, pumpkins getting carved or not getting carved. Wanting the right weather. It has only really been three years since I had a trick or treater. The last one went through ninth grade. It is so hard to believe it is all over.
I keep thinking he is still going to walk through the door. Talk to me for a few minutes then head upstairs.
Still trying to figure out what marriage looks like. All this time together and not really knowing what to say to each other. I miss quick conversation. To say what I am thinking and wondering and getting a response with his own thoughts and imagination. It is sad how life shuts that down. The ability to know oneself and share oneself. Man, I miss the distraction of children.
I want to know what is next. To settle this longing.
Still some trees are holding onto their leaves. Not quite ready to let go. It’ll happen. No way around it.
