What I Need is Here

And we pray, not for new earth or heaven, but to be quiet in heart, and in eye, clear. What we need is here. Wendell Berry “What We Need is Here”

I wake most days with a wondering of where am I. The dog at my feet, my husband breathing slowly and the hum of the air purifier settled back in my mind, I remember. The sky outside changes lighting with the seasons. The best days are when orange, pink, blue hues intermingled glow through my window reminding this day is a new creation.

Autumn is resting around the corner and I am surprised again of what I am experiencing. I would like to turn back and enjoy those moments that I longed for in summer. I don’t want to even list them. The ones I never made. It only makes it worse. I can’t have those experiences. I didn’t have them or did I even try.

I wonder what this journey of returning to myself I started 2 years ago would feel like if it wasn’t a pandemic and politics so heated. Hate so tangible. Pain always on the surface. Would I finally enjoy this time in my life? This time feels endless.

Maybe this time experiencing all that is uncomfortable and misplaced in my soul is there for me to really acknowledge and understand. To see fully. And, let go. That there really is no other way now but to go through it and be better for it. I don’t want this period of empty nesting and absolute upheaval to be fruitless. I want abundance.

Each day I am a new creation. Everyday. Out my window the sky paints a picture, the cardinal claim’s morning and the grey catbird says my name and I am reminded what I need is right here. I can embrace the summer and be grateful and I can turn the corner to autumn. There are memories I can hold. And moments ahead that I need.